Shopping Around

So wasn't I lucky then?
I mean it never hurt to have it off
And the times I've been tempted
It seems such a useless ornament
Stuck up there, gathering dust and cobwebs
"Phyllis" I said, "You must get rid of it"
"They're so dated, it's grotesque" they said
"Well I can't reach up there" I said, "Get somebody"
And they said "I don't know anyone who does that kind of thing"
I said "There must be hundreds, you don't want anyone too big
Just a little man, self-employed, look in the yellow pages"
"Under what heading?" I said
"Look" they said, "You can't lead a normal life
With that up there, not today"

Well I tried chipping away at it myself
But it's so difficult to get ahead
And I thought this guy might be even worse than the thing itself
And it's so dark in there
Well I needed a light anyway
So I thought I'll go and buy a lamp
And when I got to Selfridges
You could have knocked me down
With a Bulgarian carpet
Such a nice young man
"Nobody" he said, "But nobody these days
Can consider themselves well-hung
Without a decent chandelier
"Really?" I said, "I didn't know that"
"Perhaps Madam would allow me to show mother my samples" he said
"Why, yes" I said, so I followed him to the appropriate department
Where I spent a long time inspecting his stock
And I must say they were very impressive
But somehow I couldn't quite come to terms with him
Not his, I'm sorry, I'll say it
I'm afraid I can't quite see myself under that

Marshall and Snelgrove had theirs hanging out
All the way up the escalator
John Louis had a huge one
Reflected in golden mirrors which was fabulous
But I could never have got it in
So I hopped on a bus to Chelsea
To see if there's anything in the King's Road
Peter Jones' were all a bit tired and droopy looking
But more than a touch of pharmacy ache
And very complicated to turn on
So I ended up in Knightsbridge
Howard's really do have a good thing
I should have gone there first

I toyed for a while with a very trendy fluted one
A sort of beacon with castles, art deco
The assistant said proudly and positively flauted it
But I said "I'd really fancy something a bit more robust"
Somehow it lacked presence
I mean, if you're going to commit yourself to one
You do want to know it's there, don't you?
Well then a gentleman showed me an Edwardian one
Very pendulent and heavy
He held it out for me while I measured it
But it wasn't the size I was worried about, actually
"It did come out lovely" he said
Giving it a brisk rub with his handkerchief
"I'm not getting involved in that sort of thing" I said
It's bad enough for the banisters
Well we'd reached something of an impasse
When the manager came along and he produced a beauty
Beautiful it was, large but not overpowering
I could see it would be difficult to get up
But once in position, absolutely irresistible
Anyway, that's the one I had in mind
"What a pity" the manager said as he put it away
That so many people have got rid
Of the plaster ceiling roses in their rooms
Because that's what it really needs to look its best
"But I've got one" I said and do you know?
I was just about to have it all, so wasn't I lucky?