Conversation With the Devil

I had a dream last night I was cast into hell by a jealous God
The Devil walked up and said, "You don't need no lightning rod
"It hardly ever rains down here, I can't recall the last storm
"You ain't gonna need that leather jacket, it gets kinda warm
"There's one way in, there's no way out; it looks like you're here to stay
"Oh, the place is a mess, it's overcrowded, more are coming in everyday"

I said, "Aw man, wait a minute, there's got to be somethin' wrong
"I ain't a bad guy, I just write these little songs
"I always pay my union dues, I don't stay in the passing lane"
And he said, "What about all that whiskey and cocaine?"
I said, "Well, yeah, but that's no reason to throw me in hell
"'Cause I didn't use the cocaine to get high, I just like the way it smells"

He said, "Come on over here, son, let me show you around
"Over there's where we put the preachers; I never liked those clowns
"They're always blaming me for everything wrong under the sun
"It ain't that hard to do what's right, it's just maybe not as much fun
"Then they walk around thinkin' they're better than me and you
"And then they get caught in a motel room doin' what they said not to do"

"Now all the murderers and the rapists, they go in this fiery lake
"As well as most of the politicians and the cops on the take
"And all the mothers who wait 'til they get to K-Mart to spank their kids
"Instead of showin' 'em what to do what's right, they just hit 'em for what they did
"And all the daddys who run off and abandon their daughters and sons
"Oh, anybody who hurts a child is gonna burn until they're done"

"Everyone is down here," I said, "who's up in heaven with God and the Son?"
"Oh, some saints and mystics and students of Metaphysics 101
"People who care and share and love and try to do what's right
"Beautiful old souls who read little stories to their babies every night
"What you won't find up in heaven are Christian Coalition right-wing conservatives
"Country program directors, and Nashville Record executives"

"Now," I said, "I've made some mistakes, but I'm not as bad as those guys
"How can God do this to me? Can't she sympathize?"
He said, "You're wrong about God being cruel and mean
"Oh, God is the most loving thing that's never been seen"
I said, "Hot Shot, tell me this: which religion is the truest?"
He said, "They're all about the same: Buddha was not a Christian, but Jesus would've made a good Buddhist"

Well I thought about my future, I didn't seem to have much of one
I looked around to leave but there was no place to run
I said, "I don't suppose I could go back and try livin' again
"You know, like reincarnation––I hear that's the way it's always been"
"I can't answer that," he said, "you're gonna have to wait for that response
"But it ain't any more unusual to be born twice than it is to be born once"

Well it looked like I was gonna be stuck here, as far as I could tell
I thought I might as well suck up; you know, what the hell?
I said, "You know that song that Charlie Daniels did?
"About how you went down to Georgia and played fiddle against that kid?"
He said, "Yeah, it broke my heart but, you know, what're you gonna do?"
I said, "To tell you the truth, I thought your solo was the better of the two"

Well, then I woke up and I was lyin' in my bed
I ran upstairs and kissed my little boy on his sleepin' head
I took this dream as a sign from God, so I thought I'd better pray:
I said, "Don't ever speak to me directly, and thanks anyway"
Now so much has changed about me besides me just givin' up red meat
Some get spiritual 'cause they see the light and some 'cause they feel the heat