Couch Potato

[Intro]
Look, if you had one shot to sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it or just let it slip?
Yo

[Verse 1]
Remote is ready, eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already, Wilma and Betty
No virgin to channel surfin', and I'm HD ready
So I flip, garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell, who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth, always says something foul
They're dyin', wow, wannabes are crying now
He votes 'em out, time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality, oh the humanity
Oh, Ozzy's family sure loves profanity
Woah, the insanity, oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity? No, they live happily
Yo, plus Da Ali G Show, and Celebrity Mole
Oh there's Anna Nicole, she's scarin' me
Look, Ma — No cavities! Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

[Chorus]
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I'd still tune into every show
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos"
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The History Channel, and QVC, and Lifetime
You're gonna...

[Verse 2]
My butt is aching, as I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King to 24 to Law & Order
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes' ancient reporters
Next up on E! True Hollywood Story:
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
CSI: Boise and Touched by an Uncle both sound pretty lame, and
So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond
And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter
Then I bet I watch The Bachelorette
Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter
And The Muppet Show where they go "Mahna Mahna"

[Chorus]
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I'd still tune into every show (oh)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, but I still love Lisa Kudrow (oh)
I'm lookin' at C-SPAN, TV Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel, and Court TV, and Lifetime
You're gonna...

[Verse 3]
Never missed Melrose Place or Lost in Space
I've seen each Amazing Race and Without a Trace
But I only watched Will & Grace, one time, one day
Wish I hadn't, 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and Fear Factor, I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make them watch all that junk 'til their heads explode just like Scanners
Leech-covered, grub-eating fools on Survivor
Look, there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna
Hey, there's Luke Perry on a special all-Pig Latin episode of Drew Carey
Wanna turn on ET 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J-Lo is marrying this week
A 30-second spot then we come back to Are You Hot?
I was planning on recording The Sopranos — I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got one brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

[Chorus]
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I still tune into every show (oh)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, "turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (oh)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime
You're gonna...

[Outro]
You can watch anything you want to, man