Green Chri$tma$
SCROOGE: Bah, humbug, everybody
CHORUS: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge!
SCROOGE: Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please. Are all the advertising people represented here?
CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated Cheese!
SCROOGE: Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch, I can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas. That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it for me!
CHORUS: Hear, hear!
SCROOGE: All right, Abercrombie, what are your people up to?
ABERCROMBIE: Ahhh, same thing as every year. Fifty thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product
SCROOGE: Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I think the public has come to expect that and...
ABERCROMBIE: That's right. It's become tradition!
SCROOGE: You there, Crass, uhh, I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?
CRASS: Better than that! This year we have him smoking one
SCROOGE: Um-hmmm...
CRASS: Yes. We've got Santa a little more rugged, too. Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm. One of 'em says "Merry Christmas."
SCROOGE: What does the other one say?
CRASS: "Less tar!"
SCROOGE: Great stuff!
CRATCHET: But Mr.Scrooge...
SCROOGE: What? Who are you?
CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir. I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey. Do I have to tie my product in to Christmas?
SCROOGE: What do you mean?
CRATCHET: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem...
SCROOGE: I get it! And they're bearing your spices. Now that's perfect
CRATCHET: No, no... no product in it. I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth... Good Will Toward Men."
MAN: Well, that's a peculiar slogan!
SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That went out with button shoes! You're a businessman... Christmas is something to take advantage of!
SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon to jump on!
SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in the arm for sales! Listen!
CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising
Fa la la la la la la la la
While you can be enterprising
Fa la la la la la la la la
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Four bars of soap
Three cans of peas
Two breakfast foods
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me...
SCROOGE: Five tube-less tires!
CHORUS: Fo-ur quarts of gin
Three ci-gars
Two cig-ar-ettes
And some hair tonic on a pear tree!
Chest-nuts roasting...
ANNOUNCER: Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts roasting. Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied... longer lasting! This visible shell protects the nut! Now with X-K 29 added, for people who can't roast after every meal
GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all the way!
ANNOUNCER: Tin-y Tim's roast hot... like a chestnut ought! And... they are
(ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild
CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising
Fa la la la la la la la la
'Tis the time for merchandising
Fa la la la la la la la la
Profit never needs a reason
Fa la la la la la la la la
Get the money, it's the season
Fa la la la la la la la la
SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet!
CRATCHET: For you, maybe. Can't you just wish someone merry Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?
SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you!
CHORUS: We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And please buy our beer!
SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas with a purpose
CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute. Don't you guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes but once a year
SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that up. That's exactly the point I was about to make. Hit it, boys!
SCROOGE: Christmas comes but once a year
So you better make hay while the snow is falling
That's opportunity calling you!
CHORUS: Rub your hands, December's here
What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry!
SCROOGE: Just so you're mercenary too!
CHORUS: Buy an ad and show all the toys
Show all the toys up on the shelf
SCROOGE: Just make sure that you get a plug
You get a plug, In for yourself!
SCROOGE AND CHORUS:
Christmas comes but once a year
So you better cash in
While the spirit lingers
It's slipping through your fingers
Boy! Don't you realize
Christmas can be such a
Monetary joy!
CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change
SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in it, and they're both dollar signs
CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with
SCROOGE: Eh?
CRATCHET: The people keep hoping you'll remember. But you never do
SCROOGE: Remember what?
CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating
SCROOGE: Well,... don't get me wrong. The story of Christmas, in it's simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy that. It's just that we know a good thing when we see it
CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a significance, a meaning
SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think
CRATCHET: I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know
CHORUS: On the first day of Christmas
The advertising's there, with
Newspaper ads
Billboards too
Business Christmas cards
And commercials on a pear tree...
Jingles here, jingles there
Jingles all the way
Dashing through the snow
In a fifty-foot coup-e
O'er the fields we go
Selling all the way...
Deck the halls with advertising
What's the use of compromising
Fa la la la la la la la la