Cheese Shop Sketch

A montage of photographs the cutting
From photo to photo is
Pretty fast greek music is heard
Starting with: a close up of Mousebender
Who is respectable and wears smart casual
Clothes various photos of Mousebender
Walking along the pavement
Again very artily shot from show-off
Angles Mousebender pausing outside a
Shop Mousebender looking up at
The shop Edwardian-style shop
With large sign above it reading
'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium'
Another sign below the first
Reading 'Henry Wensleydale
Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and
The Poverty Stricken Too' another sign below
This reading 'Licensed for Public
Dancing' close up
Of Mousebender looking pleased shot of
Mousebender entering the shop music
Cuts dead cut
To interior of the cheese shop greek
Music playing as Mousebender enters two men
Dressed as city gents are Greek
Dancing in the corner to the music of
A bouzouki the shop it'self is large
And redolent of the charm and languidity of
A bygone age there is actually
No cheese to be seen either on or
Behind the counter but this is
Not obvious mousebender approaches
The counter and
Rings a small handbell wensleydale appears

Wensleydale: Good morning, sir
Mousebender: Good Morning i was sitting in
The public library on Thurmon
Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue
Herries' by Horace Walpole
When suddenly I came over all peckish
Wensleydale: Peckish, sir?
Mousebender: Esurient wensleydale: Eh?
Mousebender: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all hungry, like!
Wensleydale: Oh, hungry
Mousebender: (normal accent) In a nutshell so I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick' so I curtailed my Walpolling activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles (smacks his lips)
Wensleydale: Come again
Mousebender: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some cheese
Wensleydale: Oh
I thought you were complaining
About the music!
Mousebender: (normal voice) Heaven forbid i am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse
Wensleydale: Sorry?
Mousebender: I like a nice dance
- you're forced to

Quick cut to a Viking
Viking (broad Northern accent) Anyway
Cut back to cheese shop

Wensleydale: Who said that?
Mousebender: (normal voice) Now my good man, some cheese, please
Wensleydale: Yes certainly
Sir what would you like? Mousebender: Well
How about a little Red Leicester
Wensleydale: I'm, afraid we're fresh
Out of Red Leicester, sir mousebender: Oh
Never mind how are you on Tilsit?
Wensleydale: Never at the end of the week
Sir always get it fresh first thing on Monday
Mousebender: Tish tish no matter well
Four ounces
Of Caerphilly, then, if you please
Stout yeoman
Wensleydale: Ah well, it's been on
Order for two weeks, sir
I was expecting it this morning
Mousebender: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er
Bel Paese? Wensleydale: Sorry
Mousebender: Red Windsor?
Wensleydale: Normally, sir, yes
But today the van broke down
Mousebender: Ah stilton? Wensleydale: Sorry
Mousebender: Gruyere? Emmental?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?
Wensleydale: No mousebender: Liptauer?
Wensleydale: No mousebender: Lancashire?
Wensleydale: No mousebender: White Stilton?
Wensleydale: No mousebender: Danish Blue?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Double Gloucester?
Wensleydale: no mousebender: Cheshire?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Any Dorset Blue Vinney?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque
Port salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin
Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleu, Perle
De Champagne, camembert?
Wensleydale: Ah! We do have some Camembert
Sir mousebender: You do! Excellent
Wensleydale: It's a bit runny, sir
Mousebender: Oh, I like it runny
Wensleydale: Well as a matter of
Fact it's very runny, sir
Mousebender: No matter no matter
Hand over le fromage
De la Belle France qui s'apelle Camembert
S'il vous plaît
Wensleydale: I think it's runnier
Than you like it, sir
Mousebender: (smiling grimley) I don't care how excrementally runny it is hand it over with all speed
Wensleydale: Yes, sir
(bends below counter and reappears) Oh
Mousebender: What?
Wensleydale: The cat's eaten it
Mousebender: Has he? Wensleydale: She, sir
Mousebender: Gouda? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Edam? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Caithness? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Smoked Austrian?
Wensleydale: No mousebender: Sage Darby?
Wensleydale: No, sir
Mousebender: You do have some cheese, do you?
Wensleydale: Certainly, sir it's
A cheese shop, sir we've got
Mousebender: No, no, no
Don't tell me i'm keen to guess
Wensleydale: Fair enough
Mousebender: Wensleydale
Wensleydale: Yes, sir?
Mousebender: Splendid well, I'll have
Some of that then, please
Wensleydale: Oh, I'm sorry sir
I thought you were referr
Ing to me, Mr Wensleydale
Mousebender: Gorgonzola? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Parmesan? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Mozzarella? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Pippo Crème? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Any Danish Fynbo?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Czechoslovakian Sheep's
Milk Cheese? Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wensleydale: Not today sir, no (pause)
Mousebender: Well let's keep it simple
How about Cheddar? Wensleydale: Well
I'm afraid we don't get much call
For it around these parts
Mousebender: Not call for it? It's the single
Most popular cheese in the world!
Wensleydale: Not round these parts, sir
Mousebender: And pray what is the most
Popular cheese round these parts?
Wensleydale: Ilchester, sir
Mousebender: I see
Wensleydale: Yes, sir it's quite staggeringly
Popular in the manor, squire
Mousebender: Is it wensleydale: Yes sir
It's our number-one seller
Mousebender: Is it wensleydale: Yes sir
Mousebender: Ilchester, eh?
Wensleydale: Right
Mousebender: OK, I'm game have you
Got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?
Wensleydale: I'll have a look
Sirnnnnnnooooooooo
Mousebender: It's not much of
A cheese shop really, is it?
Wensleydale: Finest in the district, sir
Mousebender: And what leads you
To that conclusion?
Wensleydale: Well, it's so clean
Mousebender: Well
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese
Wensleydale: You haven't asked
Me about Limberger, sir
Mousebender: Is it worth it?
Wensleydale: Could be mousebender: OK
Have youwill you shut that bloody dancing up!
(the music stops)
Wensleydale: (to dancers) Told you so
Mousebender: Have you got any Limberger?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: No, that figures it
Was pretty predictable
Really it was an act of
Purest optimism to pose the question in
The first place tell me something
Do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale: Yes, sir
Mousebender: Now I'm going to ask
You that question once more, and if
You say 'no' I'm going to shoot
You through the head now
Do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale: No
Mousebender: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life