The Total Happiness

[John Rawls]
Fairness, where are you?

[Utilitarians]
Hum

[Rawls]
Fairness?

[Utilitarians]
Utilitarianism

[Rawls]
Ugh, who is it now?

[Utilitarians]
Bentham
James Mill
Sidgwick
John Stuart Mill

Man has two sovereign masters
Pleasure and pain
(Not pain!)
Happiness is ultimately everyone's aim
If pain is unbearable then happiness is desirable

And we must maximize the total happiness

The right thing is to bring about as much joy as you can
(We can!)
Sometimes bad things must be done if for the good of man
You may cheat or steal or lie if you can be sure that hereby

You will maximize thе total happiness

[Henry Sidgwick]
Jeremy, doеs my posterior look big in this?

[Rawls]
As a matter of fact, it does

[Jeremy Bentham]
Look what you've done, you awful man, you've made him cry!

[James Mill]
Henry, you look beautiful!

[Bentham]
Fabulous!

[John Stuart Mill]
We realize that by telling him this lie, we make him happier, and thereby contribute to the total sum of happiness!

[Rawls]
Well, here's a thought: You like singing, right?

[Utilitarians]
Yes

[Rawls]
But it's possible, hypothetically, that some people might not like to hear you sing, right?

[Utilitarians]
For the sake of argument

[Rawls]
And if they are pained by it more than you enjoy it, maybe they can force you to shut up!

[Bentham, James Mill, Sidgwick]
Yes

[John Stuart Mill]
No

[Rawls]
Even if it would cause more happiness?

[JS Mill]
Chaps, I've got this one covered
The only time that you can stop me acting as I'd rather
Is if I plan on using force and thereby harm another
Even if it's bad for me, you still can't take my liberty
As that won't maximize
What?
The total happiness!

[Bentham]
I'd rather man be happy than that he be free
What a load of nonsense, is this liberty?
We'll make him do just what he should
Sometimes it's for his own good
And that will maximize the total happiness

[JS Mill]
Fellows, let a chap finish his argument!

[Utilitarians]
For the sake of harmony

[JS Mill]
Right. When we sing about our ideas, other people hear
This stimulates discussion so that falsehoods disappear
If we're wrong we just move on, but if we're right there's progression

And by contributing to a greater dialectic which is in the permanent interest of man as a progressive being

We will maximize the total happiness