Why Do I Miss You?

(Spoken Intro)
Recovery is an ugly thing
It is inconsistent and it is not linear
Something that you will be working on
For the rest of your life
There's ups and downs
But recently, for me, there's been a lot of downs
This ugly is a side I don't show to people
It's a part of recovery that most people in my life don't understand
But, it's a very real part that not a lot of people talk about
To truly work through it, I need to say it out loud and I need to ask the question
Why do I miss you?

(Verse One)
It's 4am and I'm sitting in my car again
Chain smoking these cigarettes thinking of the time back then
You'd always flip thе lucky and you'd pick the same first evеry time
I lost all my direction and you'd always point towards finding rhyme
I met you smoking Traffics but you switched to Newport 100s when
The only store that carried them was forty north of home you left
I barely had the keys before you'd take the spot right next to me
The mattress everybody said they'd never gotten better sleep

(Verse Two)
To speak of sleep, I don't get much of any sound, you haunt my dreams
As I drift off i pray to god tonight's the night he's taking me
I lose a piece of me every morning that i see the sun
Contrast for my thoughts, plagued by demons, I'm the only one
Left any chance of normal when I met you wearing grippy socks
I'd go back, build a safe around my lips, put feelings under lock
Kinda wish I stayed with wasted condoms guy, things would have been
Okay cuz paper cuts are paper cuts, now jaws of life could never mend

(Verse Three)
The damage I did to myself, cost me relationships but not my life
Took half my medications by the fist full, why'd I drop the knife
Picked up, dragged up the stairs and then was strapped into the ambulance
For once I started to fear death when I could barely move my hands
Thought I'd never gamble with my life again, but hold the dice
Trace my finger on the indents, lost the value of my life
Even though you're toxic and you held me hostage with your words
I sometimes miss the times you'd ice the wounds of your harshest burns

(Verse Four)
The times you'd treat me like the royalty that you'd want by your side
With your reign, us against the world, now in your dungeon I reside
Branded as a traitor, serving a life sentence, no parole
Along with all degenerates who you've allowed to see your soul
Said I'd never leave, the ones who did, the scum beneath my feet
But, threw my hands up, can't take anymore, I'm farther underneath
Did the sever ever sting you, was I just a conquered quest
Once I left, I cleared the way for the weak heart you'd prey on next

(Verse Five)
That's the worst part of it all, what's care, what's manipulation?
Renders any closure, therapy can't kick-start new creations
Can't hear any song that we ever sang along to
Even if the music's mine or something, "hey, I have to show you"
Every time I hear a note, it could throw me off the edge
It reminds me of the plans and secrets, the promises that we pledged
Moved to the town I've lived in since my birthday candles counted four
If I only knew each waking day with you would be a war

(Verse Six)
No matter what you threatened me or anyone, I wasn't scared
No matter if they'd scold me for it, can't pretend I still don't care
Your mom said we were soulmates, couldn't see a reason how we weren't
One year later, now you're gone, that thought to me, it still feels current
Won't take back a single word when describing hurt you caused
I could form the thickest cast, but wounds still lie under the gauze
On nights like these, I wonder had I shut my mouth, would things be different?
Made my bed and can't go back, but sometimes still consider it

(Verse Seven)
It turns my gut imagining your mom's face if you mention me
Or if my name's a filthy word you both decided not to speak
Once saw me as one of her own but probably curses my existence
Now just someone wronging you, she'd break my bones with no resistance
Don't show mercy, I'm guilty, deserve to burn for all I've done
The people in my life tell me "you got away, you finally won"
They don't quite understand, so I mute my words and down my dose
I question why I feel this way, but honestly don't think I'll ever know