Like a Lamb to the Slaughter

(Spoken:) "Matty Groves" is a great old traditional song, and a lot of people ask for it. The big problem with "Matty Groves" is, it's big. About four hundred and seventy verses. Fortunately, with a little creative editing, it can still be chopped down to a reasonable size ...

... say, talking blues?

(Sung:) One high, one holy holiday, on the first day of the year
Little Matty Groves to church did go, some holy words to hear
When in come old Lord Arnold's wife, and she looked at him and said
"Come here often? What's your sign?" And off they went to bed

In the interests of brevity, I'll omit some of the more disposable parts of the song
Like the section where they get undressed
All forty-seven verses of it

Now old Lord Arnold he had a page, and when he saw what they had done
He said, "I'd better tell the boss!" and he began to run
He ran through the briars and he ran through the brambles
Ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go
Ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch him
Down the Mississippi to the --

You get the idea
Next morning the happy lovers awoke
Took one look at who was standing at the foot of the bed
And said, "Ohhhhhhhhh, shit."

"Rrrise oop, rrrise oop noo, Matty Grrroves, put yuir clo'es on quick's ye can
Ne'er let it be said that in a' Scotland I slew a naked man!
And ye shall have the be'er sworrrd, and I shall have the worrrst
And I shall strrrike the second blow, for ye shall strike the firrrst!"

Stupid Scottish twit
Again, in the interests of brevity
I will omit the part where Matty, for perfectly obvious reasons
Takes his own sweet time about getting dressed again
All forty-seven verses of it

Now the first blow little Matty struck, it hurt Lord Arnold sore;
The second blow Lord Arnold struck, little Matty stood no more
Lord Arnold felt about himself, to see where he'd been cut:
He looked, and found to his surprise he'd lost his ... you-know-what

And he said "Ooohhhh (spiraling up to falsetto) shit!"

Now if he hadn't let Matty Groves strike first he'd never have lost his dong
And if she hadn't let the pageboy know you'd never have heard this song
And now they sit at home a lot, becoming nervous wrecks
Which goes to show discretion is the better part of sex

Moral of this story? Be good
If you can't be good, be careful
And if you can't be careful -- try and keep it down to five or six verses, huh?