But I'm Yours
Lois: Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world.
Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know i haven't always been the perfect spouse.
Lois: You do OK.
Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house.
Lois: Well you do do that.
Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse.
Lois: What?!
Peter: I may be thoughtless.
Lois: No you're not.
Peter: I may be sloppy
Lois: Well, a little
Peter: I may be stupid.
Lois: Well, a lot.
Peter: But I'm yours
Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be.
Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds.
Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me.
Peter: Thank you.
Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee.
Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}.
Peter: I may be chubby.
Lois; Well, 296.
Peter: I may be lazy.
Lois: sorry, 298.
Peter: I may be clumsy
Lois: Only often
Peter; But I'm yours
Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me?
Peter: i would use him to mop up the street.
Lois: You would?
Peter: You bet. I got a left hook.
Lois: What if he was big?
Peter: I got a right hook
Lois: What if he was a woman?
Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless.
Peter: I may be Irish.
Peter: But I'm yours.
Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to?
That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true.
Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through.
Lois: Will you empty the trash?
Peter: I got a backache.
Lois: Will you fix the toilet?
Peter: I got a headache.
Lois: Will you vacuum the den?
Peter: I got a penis
Lois: You're a sexist.
Peter: But I'm yours.
Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize.
A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes.
Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys.
Peter: I may be phobic
I may be stinky
I may be farting {farts}
But I'm yours.
Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me?
Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores.
Lois: Lions?
Peter: I got a shotgun.
Lois: Tigers?
Peter: I got a blowtorch.
Lois: The Christian right?
Peter: I got a porno.
Lois: That'll do it.
Peter: 'Cause I'm yours.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be Peter.
Peter/Lois: And I'm yours.
{Applause}
Brian: Hey, you smell something?
Stewie: Oh, dear.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Oh, dear.
Brian: What's the matter?
Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this.
Brian: What?
Stewie: I just made a doody.
Brian: Oh, God.
Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced.
Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"?
Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol.
Brian: Do you need a change?
Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one.
Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.