Philosophers East vs West
Epic rap battles of history
Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu, and Confucius
Versus
Nietzsche, Socrates, and Voltaire! Begin!
I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium
Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium
The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention
Rolling with the flyest nihilist, and me, their French henchman
We've got the wisdom and the wit that even I couldn't question!
Dropping Western medicine on these East infections!
It's evident you've never been our type of mental brethren!
We're better thinkers, better speakers, better lovers, better men!
This type of arrogance is sure to be expected
From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is
You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life
You lack control of yourselves and of the mic
While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration
Hand you an ass-whipping, our descendants will honor for generations!
We filled a nation with patience and the presence for living
And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written
Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to
When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu!
You need to take control of the life you're given!
They call me Übermensch 'cause I'm so driven!
And I'm a freethinker, so confronting conformists like you? It's my job!
Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab!
You flubbed the mission, I'm beating your submissive ass into submission!
Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing!
Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move on to Jackie Chan!
Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man!
The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic, all your men must be like, "Yo, what happened?"
You're pitiful lyrically, lucky for history, you didn't author "The Art of Rapping!"
Bitch, I wrote "The Art of War", so you better get your guns out!
These white boys getting burned, 'cause guess what? Now, the Sun's out!
Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS!
Laozi, kick the beat, now Confucius, drop some bars!
Let me be Candid with you, Voltaire
French drip with the egg noodle hair
Your ego's just so distracting
Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!
And you killed God, so I gotta ask
Did He die of shame when He made your mustache?
You tried to plant a new German psyche
But you just grew hate, me no "Third Reichy!"
And it all starts with you, you're the father, Socrates!
Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology!
I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe
Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi
'Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E
And I'll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!
Plebe, bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!
Hang a sandal on the door 'cause you can suck Soc's dick!
Sacré bleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense!
Come, let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny, bright enlightenment!
I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery!
You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee!
Let me be frank, don't start beef with the Frank
Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks!
I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity!
We must remember, a bowl is most useful when it is empty
Ugh! Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect
But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense!
Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today
I'll make you move, bitch, get out the way!
Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written
That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?
Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place
Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?
Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that?
I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat!
So here's the real golden rule, I'm way above you weak rookies
Confucius say, "You can all hold these fortune cookies!"