President

I raised up my hand & said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that I was the President of the U.S.A
Just like that I was the President of the U.S.A

There were limos, bands & speeches
Parties to go to
I said all that will have to wait
There's so much to do
Them parties can wait, there's so much to do

My first day I offered statehood
To Cuba & Mexico
Cuba: 1 state, Mexico: 6
All or nothing, that's how it goes

No more border patrols & human smuggling
We'll deal with our own neighborhood
And a few more stars & some green in the flag
Seems like it might be good

And maybe Israel & Palestine
Will follow our lead and just combine
And then become Israelstine, who knows?
Anyway, that's my first day

Second day I told Detroit
Start makin' cars that don't use gas
And I give everybody a big rebate
And they started sellin' fast

We'll stop burnin' up the air we breathe
And makin' the planet boil
And we won't have to kiss the ass
Of whoever's got the oil

Since before Hoover
The farmers have got the short end of the stick
With the help of our Cuban brothers
We'll go communistic (collective farms!)

Capitalism is a fine thing
If it works, then great, okay
But if it don't, you gotta try something else
That's what I did on my third day

My fourth day all of our troops came home
From all around the earth
Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran
More trouble than they're worth

And I was tempted to say "I'm sorry
We'll rebuild you with money and men."
But I just said, "You're on your own
And don't fuck with us again."

My fifth day I changed the army
So it's all of us or none
We'll all tie knots and walk through mud
Pitch tents and fire a gun

With just a few of us as warriors
And the rest of us gone soft
Martians could come and zap us
Ain't gonna happen on my watch

Day six I swore no prisoner more
Would face his death inside
Thou shalt not kill, applies to us all
Too many mistakes besides

Day six I swore no prisoners more
Would ever face his death
At least until my jury hears
The crimes of President Bush

Day seven was hot, I legalized pot
And none of this decriminalizing crap
Let it grow in glory, end of story
Then I burned one & took a nap

Hemp will help the farmers
We'll grow hemp everywhere
One acre of hemp's like ten acres of trees
And hemp grows back next year

My eighth day I made health care
Apply to everyone
If you get sick, see a doctor
That's how my government's run

And by the way abortion
Is included in this plan
No one tells a girl how to treat her body
Least of all some man

My ninth day I said sorry
This government is no fool
Ain't gonna pay you extra to send your kid to some
Weird-ass, wacko school

We'll do our best to make our schools
The best anyplace on earth
If they ain't good enough, think about it
Before you go give birth

My tenth day I made it okay
To marry whoever you
Would be willing to ride with
On a bicycle built for two

Marry a woman, marry a man
Marry a monkey too
Marry a big old rhino
And visit him at the zoo

And that was my first ten days
My first two working weeks
Lots of work for the bureaucrats
And the paper-pushing geeks

Next we'll need a little time
To go and just have fun
So we added some new holidays
The next week, one by one

Monday was national nude day
Everyone disrobed
Tuesday was national stoned day
Everyone got stoned

Wednesday was national painting day
Thursday no television
Friday was tennis, John McEnroe helped
From his cabinet position

Saturday, sex with impunity day
With no repercussions
Sunday, do it all: Nude, stoned, tennis, painting, sex, no tv -- enjoy!
Just be ready for work on Monday

Well, my cabinet, as previously mentioned
Includes John McEnroe
And Wavy Gravy and Michael Franti
And Ani DiFranco

Muhammad Ali, Madonna
Maya Angelou, Brad Pitt
And Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky
And we'll watch 'em both go at it

Next we'll get that Stephen Hawking
And make him a citizen and stuff
He's the smartest guy in the world
England's had him long enough

And I will not run for re-election
Four years enough of this
'Cause between you and me
I hate politics

I raised up my hand & said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that, I was the president
Of the U.S.A

Just like that (just like that)
Just like that (just like that)
Just like that (just like that)
Just like that (just like that)
Just like that I was the President Of the U.S.A