SELF/LESS 01

Chapter One

I can feel the raw flesh rubbing
Against the inside of my heels

The blister just popped
Good! I hope I bleed all
Over these wretched satin shoes
My first pair of heels, the first of three
Mum said
Heels for occasions- today is an occasion
Actually, today is the biggest day of my life
Today, I will walk into the Civic Auditorium
As a 17-year-old high school graduate
And walk out-

"Name?" The man's grating voice
Cuts through my reverie
Mum tosses her hair across her shoulder and
Looks down her nose at the clerk
"Luanna Veodrum and my daughter
Teddy Veodrum"
I don't bother caring about how she
Says our last name anymore
The emphasis she puts on it
Like she's speaking in italics, "Veodrum"

"Row 57A, b" he doesn't look at her
And she narrows her eyes
Everyone looks at my mother she is one of
If not the most influential
Socialites in the city
He hands her two passes
A red one for her and a blue one for me
Another red pass sit's menacingly
On the bench
The clerk doesn't mention my father's absence
I copy my mother and clip my pass
To the lapel of my dress
I swallow this is it
The door to the left of the
Clerk's temporary desk is open
I can feel the bodies of
The other families behind us all pushing
Eager to get their names marked off
And move inside the auditorium
I don't share their enthusiasm
If I could turn around and go home, I would
If I could go back to bed
And wake up anytime but today, i would
I hate today, the more I learn about it
The more I feel like I hate this whole year
Today should be a time of grand celebration
My first council occasion, my job placement
Today marks the first of three
Ceremonies that signify the completion
Of my time as a child and student

According to the pamphlet
These ceremonies mark the emergence
Of my new life
As a worker, wife and womb keeper
("Our platinum Jubilee, the future is ours")
("Help us celebrate all our city
Council has done for us")
("And our next generation of watchers
Workers and womb keepers")
("Join us for this
Year's graduate occasions")
("Outline of proceedings for this year are on
The reverse side of this document")

I trail after Mum
But the second I walk into the room I stop
Rows and rows of seats wrap
Around the circular auditorium
Just stopping short of the imposing stage
This building was designed to fit
The families of each generation
One occasion at a time
But that's not what has my attention
Mum turns back to me and smiles
"Pretty impressive, isn't it?" She says
I can't take my eyes off the colossal
Honeycomb dome above us
"It took 3000 glass hexagons
To make that dome
Each one cut by hand, by master glassworkers"
She draws her eyes from me for
A second to look up
"Takes one's breath away to think about it"

Mum loves those things
The effort something takes
Honouring work ethic and achievement
When and where it's due
"Hurry up, Teddy, our seats are in row 57
And these stairs aren't going
To walk themselves"

I sigh
I can feel the blood sticking against
The back of my heels
My mother ascends the stairs
The centre of attention
Some people stop her to fawn
Other's are trying to be subtle
Pointing just past us or looking
Around 'for a friend'
But their eyes follow her
It's not hard to see why
My father might be one of the
Most influential councillors in our city
But my mother is the voice of the people
The editor of Metropolis magazine
Our only council-sanctioned entertainment

For 70 years
That institution has guided our city
And now, my mother is at it's helm
Her's is the voice of reason and trust
And we are the council's poster family
She smiles benevolently
Waving as sycophants call out
For her attention she stops too
Answering all the petty questions she's asked
It's worse than the pain my
Shoes are causing me
I don't know how she handles it all
With a smile no less
Nothing slips through her facade

As we settle into seats A and B
Mum eliminates my father's obnoxiously
Vacant seat C under plumes of her skirt
I know it hurts her
His ever-increasing responsibilities on
The Mayor's table
Seem to have taken precedence
Over his familial duties
Although I can't say I'm
Sorry for his absence

I slip my shoes off and bend
Forward to touch my heels
The sharp hiss of air I suck in
Is enough to catch my mother's attention
She clicks open her purse and
Passes me two band-aids
I take them with a grateful smile

Of all the things dwarfed
From our high seats
The long black stage is not one of them
It's bare
But for the vast banner hanging from
The ceiling as still as death
Displaying our city's seal, that eye
"Always watching"
There is a podium at the front of the stage
That's it no guards clustered together in
Their charcoal uniforms
Or eagle-eyed councillors
Yet, I cannot shake the feeling of dread
That settles across my shoulders
Like a heavy mantle

I turn to Mum and open my mouth
She looks at me expectantly "Yes?" She asks
"Nothing, " I say, shaking my head softly
So I don't disturb the ornate twist of hair
Pinned precariously on top of my head

I turn back to the stage and swallow
Why does it look so horrifying to me?
The band-aids haven't stopped the stinging
But they do help when I slip my shoes back on
I tilt my head back to look up again
The 3000 glass hexagons suddenly
Feel awfully close
I notice it smells damp this far up

I reach across and grab Mum's gloved
Hand with my own bare one
My hands are uncovered
As is tradition until I'm partnered
She squeezes it tight and smiles at me
I smile back, a real smile this time
Together we rise, and our smiles are gone
It has begun

"Our city and it's people
With pride, truth, courage, we stand
Against all dark evil
Like self, creative or made
In our predecessors' wake
Those who couldn't share
Our vision for our people
It's time we don't forget"

As we chant these words
I can feel our voices resonating in my chest
I used to be filled with excitement
Hearing everybody's voices united
I was proud to be a part of this
A bead of sweat runs down my back as
The words rattle around in my head
"It's time we don't forget" as if
We've ever been given a chance

As our city's anthemic creed comes to an end
I can hardly make myself move my lips
Nervous anticipation rips through me
I still can't tell if this is
The beginning or the end

"We watch because we care, "
We all say together
Standing shoulder to shoulder
Before the heat of our breaths has settled
A tall woman walks out from behind the banner
Her hair is grey, her suit is grey
And from up here
Her watery, vague eyes look grey too

"Our people, " she begins
Her saccharine voice
Carrying clearly throughout the
Vast auditorium
"It is my honour to be here with us today
Sharing in this occasion
It is not every day we celebrate
An occasion such as this"
She pauses "It is once a year"
She smiles and everyone laughs
Everyone except me

Her smile doesn't meet her eyes as
They sweep over us all
Like she's scanning us for infection
I can't help but imagine her
Teeth are sharp and pointy
She gestures for us to sit
And in one sweeping motion
Over 100 people comply
I can feel the force of our action

"This, " she continues
"Is the story of our great achievement
The achievement of our
Metropolis City Council
It's the same story we have learnt
As students at school each year
The city erected walls to protect us
The city enacted laws to protect us
And the city has made sure
We are protected every year"

Everyone claps
The applause is not thunderous, it's polite
Contained "We the people are gathered
Here today to celebrate
Our city's youth today is the
Day they begin their journey
Of giving back to the city that
Has given them so much"

I glance at my mother
She has tears in her eyes

"Our city has worked to protect us, all of us
And to save us from ourselves"
The woman suddenly grips the
Podium and leans forward her voice drops
"I know I don't need to remind
Any of us about our responsibilities"
She stands up straight again
And ruffles her papers
Despite not having looked at them once
"You know we are born
With those vile characteristics
The desire to create, to express"
She spit's the words out as though
Merely saying them could infect her

"They are evil, " she looks up at the
Top of the large auditorium
"We are evil, " my heart quickens in my chest
It feels like she's looking straight at me
"That is what leads to conflict
That is what led humanity to war
And in the end, mass devastation
Nuclear fallout
And the near extinction of our very species

Within the walls of our Metropolis
We're protected by our city guards
Who patrol the very wall that saved us
From the slow death of outside
That is why we obey our curfew
We are simple people
And our great City Council
Knows that we need protection from ourselves"

She pauses again, and steps around the podium
She places her hands on her thighs
Formally bowing "Remember, " she says
Her voice still loud and clear
And then everyone is back on their feet
Bowing in the same stiff motion
"We watch, " she beings
"Because we care" we respond
As is our custom she nods curtly
And I see a small but satisfied
Smile play on her lips

"My name is Councillor Kathryn Corrumpere
I will now commence the
Proceedings and reveal
Who each of you will be
And how you will serve our great city
Metropolis"

I remember her name from our history classes
Kathryn Corrumpere is known as one of
The greatest councillors of our time
Lauded for her exemplary works in the
'Sanitation of the infected
And jurisdictional
Control in the sanitation sector'
This is the woman behind the disappearance
The relocations of family members
Around our city

She's the reason Lisa is gone

The thought of my best friend has me
Picking at the edge of my dress
How can these people accept their friends
Being taken and then reintegrated?
And where? I still cannot work out
Where they're being taken

"You will all be in the stages
Of completing your three-month internships
The service we've had you complete before
You start your real service"
I roll my eyes, three months of slave labour
Mum elbows me and points to the stage
"Focus" councillor Corrumpere continues
"But that is not all
Today you will join us all as adults in a
Community that has supported you
Since your birth
And this year is particularly significant
As we are also celebrating
Our great city's Platinum Jubilee! This year
We are 70!"

The audience collectively jumps
She shouted 70 into the microphone
Throwing her arms up in triumph
"You're all here
Our city's brightest new lights
Beacons of the future
Ready to receive your jobs"
She reshuffles her papers
"Could all candidates please rise?"

The rustling sound is overwhelming as
All the young people stand
Fidgeting at clothes they've never worn
In shoes they don't fill
I swallow hard and look
Around the enormous auditorium
I'm not the only one stealing a glance

I only recognise a handful
Of people, mostly girls
All from my school code
We've shared the same classes since
We were four years old
You would think after all that time together
We might have some kind of friendship
We don't lisa was my only friend
She was different from the other girls
She was more like me
Or maybe I was like her?
Generally, students don't have
Much exposure to
Each other socially outside of school
I guess the city doesn't think it's worth it
Once we're partnered
Our previous lives don't matter anymore

I spot Sarah Parker
Looking around to see who's noticed her
It would be hard to miss her in
The gaudy orange dress she's chosen
Unfortunately, we make eye contact
Sarah smiles, correction: smirks

I think back to school
When Sarah would mock Lisa for
Her family's lower ranking
Sarah's father, like mine, has a
Role in the Mayor's office
Which will help our job placement
Maybe even influence how we're partnered
I loathe Sarah for every minute
That she relishes in it
But I hate myself more for not
Standing up for Lisa back then
I was supposed to be her best friend

"Pay attention!" Mum hisses beside me
Then I realise they're calling the graduates
To the front of the stage
I make my way down the stairs towards
The pool of eligible young people
Standing amongst the crowd of adolescents
Struck by the nauseating mix
Of perfume and aftershave i look around
Still half expecting to see Lisa wanting to
Lisa would have laughed at my blistered heels
She would have put bandaids on
At home before she left
She was always so prepared

I smile at a girl who's playing
Nervously with a handkerchief beside me
She smiles back
And I feel a little less alone
I look around again
Searching for a face I might recognise
I had promised myself I wouldn't be nervous
A part of me is worried that I might
Get the same job as my internship
But I'm trying not to think
Of that exceptional torture
Anyway, it doesn't matter what position
I get placed in
I will always have to watch myself
If losing Lisa taught me anything, it's that

A vacant sort of resignation
Settles in my chest
I watch some girls giggling
Their arms linked
Many of the boys are slapping
Each other on the shoulder, friends
While we mill around
The great Councillor Corrumpere
Is still talking like all the others
I hardly pay any attention i move around
Listening to the hushed chatter mixing
In with her speech

"Jubilee, I hope we're together, chosen ones
Anything but that" someone bumps me
I look up and realise how close
I am to the imposing stage
"Alright children, " the councillor
Calls us to attention
Her spiel to the parents concluded
"You are our next generation
Our greatest achievement
You are the future Our Metropolis City"
Her words have a silencing effect
On the gathered youth we are all still
She looks at us through
Her watery, grey eyes, hungry
I can see now that up closer
Her teeth aren't sharp
But I still can't shake the
Image from my mind

"I will call our children
To the stage individually
Each will receive their job placement then
Return to their family seating
Please hold any applause to the end"
That last request is accompanied by a
Stern look at the gathered audience
I don't think anyone would
Dare defy that look

I feel a twisting knot of
Anticipation form in my stomach
Stop it, this doesn't mean anything
But still, it churns
A glance around tells me I'm not the only one

"Pretty intense, huh?" I hear someone say
There's no reply, and I look around
A boy is standing beside me, smiling
It crinkles his freckly nose
I open my mouth to reply
But I can't think of anything to say
"Don't you reckon?" he asks
I close my mouth and nod he nods with me
And the action makes his sandy
Hair flop over his eyes he looks nice, kind
A strange thought occurs to me
"I wonder if I'm talking
To my future partner?" could he be?

I swallow, then try to smile back
But he's already turned away
I didn't expect to feel disappointed
I'm not used to talking to boys
It's never encouraged
Especially not at school
I want to ask what his school code is
To find out what neighbourhood he's from
He turns back to me, "Y'think
This is so crazy
My new shoes are killing my feet"
"Me too!" I exclaim
A few people turn to give us annoyed looks
I whisper
"I'm not sure if we're allowed to talk"
He shrugs, looking around, "Everyone else is"
This time I do smile
This 'talking to a stranger'
Business is easy enough

"M'yeah, I guess with all us
'chosen ones' gathered here
There are too many to sanitise"
I laugh awkwardly
I have said the wrong thing
The boy's eyes freeze over
And his face turns to stone
I want to kick myself
I don't know these people
I need to be more careful!
People don't joke about sanitisation
I take a step closer
And try to catch the boy's eye to apologise
Quickly, he turns away
Muttering about 'getting a closer view'
And then he's disappeared behind
The crowd of adolescents

My attention returns to the stage
As the audience breaks into a
Polite smattering of applause
And then there he is, the sandy haired boy
Marching stoically up to receive his job
"We congratulate you, Charlie
On your appointment to electrical maintenance
At the Metropolis substation
Your work will help us grow our great city"
Charlie shakes hands with
Councillor Corrumpere
Then walks across the stage to
Two more suit-wearing councillors
When did they get here?
He shakes their hands too, posing for a photo
I realise I need to start paying attention
I follow electrical maintenance
Worker Charlie
Until he's lost in the throng of people
On the other side of the stage

"We congratulate you
Helen" Corrumpere continues from the podium
There, I see him
Climbing the stairs to his family's row
"Teddy Veodrum" I hear my
Name over the speakers
A few people from my school code turn to look
As I start to make my
Way through the massive bodies
As I move towards the stairs on
The left of the stage
I can see that they're grated
Perfect for catching the thin heel
Of these stupid shoes
I wish this process were private, all of it
But we are not afforded
The luxury of privacy
Especially not at this time in our lives
I can feel my hand shaking as I grip
Onto the metal rail beside the stairs
Don't slip, don't get stuck

I take two more steps and dare to glance out
The lights shining on the stage are so
Bright I have to look away
Blinking away the glaze of tears
I count five more stairs
I can see the councilwoman staring
At me with her cold, grey eyes
As I approach
I ball my clammy hands into fists by my sides
Every step I take, I can hear an echo
I glance around and realise it's me
It's my shoes they clatter across the stage
I feel like a lie
I don't wear shoes like this
I'm not a mother, a wife yet

Three more steps, i look up and Councillor
Corrumpere's pursed mouth
Breaks out into her
Trademark saccharine smile
"We congratulate you, Teddy
On your appointment at Metropolis Magazine
You will work with some of the
Greatest voices of our City"
She extends her hand to me
I look out to the crowd
Then look back, step forward
Then take her hand
Her grip is uncomfortably firm and is cold
Despite all the flesh it's been touching

I let go before she does
She doesn't tell or show me where to go
"Kyle Reep, " She reads out
I look around for the exit
Then walk towards the two men
Beckoning to me sternly from the
Other end of the stage they don't smile
One of the councillors steps forward
And takes my hand
I notice a flash but can't see a photographer
He lets go and the other man takes my hand
Another flash from the camera
I'm sure I must look stunned

"Down the stairs, " the second man says
Already looking at the kid behind me
I step off the stage
Then walk back to my mother
Climbing the stairs up to row
57 to join the "elite"
No one would dare say it
But we know how it works
Your family's name is the
Council's ranking system
According to my father
Our council needed a way to
Ensure their positions are filled
And using surnames makes overseeing this
Many people much more manageable

I take my seat and Mum pulls
Me in for a teary hug
She doesn't mask her joy
I try smiling, to look as happy as she feels
But I can't
"You're so lucky, " she whispers in my ear
I wonder how much influence my father
Had in my new job
Set to be working alongside her
A high ranking position for
A high ranking family
She sit's back and dabs her
Eyes with a cotton handkerchief
I look down towards where I saw that boy go
His family don't look happy
I don't know if it's the
Distance or an illusion
But I swear I can see his mother frowning

For the remainder of the ceremony
I'm stuck in a loop
Watching each parent receive their
Child with different emotions at one point
Mum squeezed my hand and whispers
"I'm glad I'll be able to keep you close"
I squeeze back

Every family seems to have
A different reaction
Some are full of joyful tears for
Their child's new government role
Some jobs are obviously expected
The recipient greeted with a clap on
The shoulder and a kiss
Others are unexpected, gasps of joy
When an E family find out their
Daughter will work in sanitisation
Clenched jaws when a Q son
Gets a construction job it takes hours
I think this is the reason they
Don't call us in alphabetical order
Jumping from T's to B's means there's no way
To know when it's near the end
Finally, the last child is called

Councillor Corrumpere smiles at the audience
"You may now congratulate
Our lucky recipients!"
The audience erupts in applause
Genuinely thunderous this time
Some people stamp their feet
While others clap
With their hands above their heads
I continue to watch the audience
Noticing some people aren't clapping at all
My eyes slip back to the sandy
Hair boy and his family
His mother is gripping his arm like a
Vice while his father claps slowly
His eyes squeezed shut

Deep down in my stomach
I feel that knot twisting it's way back in
"You're so lucky, " Mum whispers
In my ear again, following my line of sight
She gives me a look that suggests
She knows what I've been thinking
I turn my attention back
To the now-empty stage
The oversized banner of our city's
Eye gazing over us always watching
My hands start to feel numb
A sensation that quickly spreads
Through my body

The longer we clap, the more I understand
None of this is about luck at all