Do You Swear to Tell the Truth the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth So Help Your Black Ass

When i was six years old my sister alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one

Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
"i made a cake and we're going next door
To sam weinstein's and you're getting married"

The cake was burned
It tasted gross
She made me kiss him
On the mouth

Now i am 33
Unmarried happily
No plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

And i have already spent too much time
Doing things i didn't want to
So if i just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that i'm going to

When i was nine i was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn't like me
Melanie chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me i sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions

The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
In my room

Now i have friends and i'm not such a loser
But i go to bars all alone and i sit there
And order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people
Yes that's how i like it

And i've already spent too much time
Doing things i didn't want to
So if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that i'm going to

Yes i come here often
Sure i'll have another one
Yes i come here often
Sure i'll have another one
But i don't have to talk to you

When i was 17 i was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after
Now i'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don't make love now to make people love me
But i don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

And

When i was 25 i was a rock star
But it didn't pay too well i had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
Baby they'd never know
What a bargain they'd gotten
And if i'm forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
And i still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me

And i've already spent too much time
Doing things i didn't want to

So if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent
Or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don't like
Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that i'm going to